Get to know James…
In your words, what do you do here?
Well, I thought you would never ask. When I walk into work, I stand tall and pretty much wait for people to ask me to reach stuff. Beyond that, I do exactly what would be expected of me: Anything the boss says, anything Leigh says, and most things the other guys say. We mostly talk about scooters so there you have it.
How did you get suckered into working here?
I distinctly remember applying to NS4L in the dog days of summer. July something. I had taken the application, went out to my car, and rushed to fill it out. It was like 2 or 3 in the afternoon and at least 95 degrees, no clouds in the sky. I have no A/C so I sweated bullets all over my application; dark stained my white collar shirt; and went back inside, looking like I’d taken a jog around the block. Fast forward several weeks after that, I received a call and I went in for an interview. I was taken into a dimly lit room, like a scene from the Godfather, and sat next to a guy that looked like a body guard. Across the desk the a chair slowly rose from a square hole in the floor and I met The Don. We exchanged courtesies and contact information and sure enough, I was hired. Happily ever after. (The driving force which brought me to the NS4L world on that hot summer day was primarily that of desperate unemployment and poverty.)
What is your favorite NS4L memory?
Only Bryce and Brian would get this one, but I’d say the days of disassembling scooters in the warehouse. It was a marathon of laborious days–cussing and kicking scooters apart in order to meet a deadline. Basically we needed to clear out the warehouse for the new year and we had little time to do it. So we would show up early, swing hammers at stuff, ALWAYS eat at Macdonald’s for lunch and completely part out EVERYTHING on a scooter. It was a great learning experience, as well as a superb workshop for anger/stress relief.
How would you describe NS4L’s culture?
I don’t know. Dakota doesn’t have a mohawk anymore. Karlyle’s [retired intern] in France. We’re like Whitman’s Sampler chocolate. Different but from the same box.
If you could have any celebrity as your bae for a day who would it be?
Jennifer Lopez. This goes way back to 1999 and the widely publicized fear of Y2K, and MTV. I believe I was biologically destined to have a thing for J-Lo. And being born in 1987, it just so happened that I hit puberty at the exact moment when the year 2000 struck. For me it was more than a countdown to the apocalypse, more than a breath before my giant leap into manhood, it was a milestone for a celebrity love that I can never forget. If you haven’t seen her music video “Waiting for Tonight” just watch it on youtube, you’ll get it.
If you could have your dream vacation anywhere in the world, where would it be?
From the pictures I’ve seen, Japan has some extraordinary natural beauty.
If you could live in any decade which would it be?
The 1910’s because it’s the stage for an upcoming century. Historically, humanity loses its mind in this decade and I’m in it for the wild ride.
What is your favorite smell that other people would find weird?
The backs of other people’s heads.
What would be your ideal date with your significant other?
We satisfy each other’s thoughts, make perfect jokes and accurately read each other’s palms for our future together. She says “bless you” seconds before I sneeze, and I change a light bulb in her house seconds before it goes out. Later that night, she tells me she’s extremely pregnant. And I AM the father.
What is your favorite Snapchat filter?
I don’t waste my time with Snapchat. I’d rather be taking surveys.
Would you rather spend your leisure money on experiences or tangible things?
A long weekend in Las Vegas perfectly answers both parts of that question at the exact same time.
Have you ever traveled abroad?
I’ve been to Canada to watch a lot of water fall and to Australia to learn how to boomerang the didgeridoo.
What movie can you watch over and over without getting tired of?
Aside from the 1987 film of me realizing that I am no longer in the womb, I’d say Steven Spielberg’s 1975 thriller: “Jaws”
Do you prefer cooking at home or eating out?
At the end of the day it all comes down to the weather (for grilling), my bank account and how tired I am. If all these things are on the up and up I’m cooking. If these things aren’t, I’m ordering Chinese or Mexican food.
What would your ideal day/night consist of?
I wake up to the smell of socks and the sound of old people snoring. I eat some tan colored mush and because I’ve been secretly saving up for my weekly treat at the candy shop, I reserve the best part of my stomach for the delicious reward that I’ve been working so hard for. Now heading to the candy shop, I run as fast as I can past families of dying dogs to finally spend all of my money on a heavenly chocolate bar. Therein my purchase, I find a golden ticket. My name is Charlie Bucket…and I’m about to have a super, super day ahead of me.
What is your worst bad habit?
Framing animals for crimes they didn’t commit. I once framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present.
Do you prefer dogs or cats?
One eats their own poo, and the other hides it from you – I don’t trust either one of them. However, a good dog will be there to get you through the worst of days; a good cat will be there to get you through the worst of nights. So, I guess, equally both.
What is your favorite candle scent?
Moonlight whispers of a pregnant felon
What is the strangest thing that can be found in your toolbox?
A picture of me standing in front of my toolbox, looking at a picture of me holding a picture of me, standing in front of my toolbox, holding a picture of me, and looking at a picture of me standing in front of a toolbox, looking at a picture of me, holding a picture of me, looking into a toolbox and holding a picture of me.
If you could be a part of a scooter sandwich (3 people on 1 scoot, which is obviously not recommended), would you be in the front, middle, or back?
I’ve got an 81″ reach. I could ride caboose and still be able to steer them fools to go get ice cream. So it wouldn’t matter to me where I sat. I’d be driving.
What inspires you?
People like Howie Mandel who clearly hear the world saying to them: “Quit what you’re doing! You are not the man for the job! Why are you still on television? You were funnier with a jerry curl!” and yet, he still keeps doing it. Just so I’m clear: I’m not inspired by Howie Mandel specifically, he was just an example, but people LIKE him. Why? Because people like that have a pair of steel. Furthermore, nature. Because it’s pleasant.
If you were going to catfish someone online, how would you describe yourself to the person you are catfishing?
I had to ask about the definition of the verb “to catfish”. I felt no difference in life after knowing this word, but the next time I actually catch a catfish in the backyard pond, I’ll probably make a joke about it.
So let’s get weird. I’m nasty. I love chocolate and I can touch my heels with any finger I want to. I also like to run and I’m in great shape but I hate walking. Let’s meet soon.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A train conductor. Because I’d never do that. But if I did, I’d be proud of myself for taking my life in a new direction.